Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You Might Also Like
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.