Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.