I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
There’s always that one guy
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down