CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
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Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Dear Lord..
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
God has abandoned us.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it