*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?