@DuhhEmma: Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation ....
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@Flattliner: I'm introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
@CulturedRuffian: I scream, You scream, We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
@sixfootcandy: Me:*Gently nudges your arm* Would you like to be my Valentine? Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight? Me: Absolutely not D: Why? M: Because I said so D: Because you ate them? M: Yes