me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
You Might Also Like
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
oh my god
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
saw this in a dream
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.