The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
dream blunt rotation
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?