Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
good morning
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Just grow your own
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.