“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.