CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”