imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
New menu item
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese