*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
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DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I wish I were this cool 😂
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.