*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
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how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.