Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.