I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
You Might Also Like
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about