*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My first child will be named New Folder.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles