*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
mom gave me mine for free
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.