Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
You Might Also Like
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.