*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.