If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
can you read it!!??
maan!
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Shark week, but for squirrels.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
WTF IS THAT!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.