Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Is this you?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me: