I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class