Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
No chill.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I am having an out of money experience.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.