Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it