Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
this is the best day of my life
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace