Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
only 11 steps left
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November