For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Oh my God.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Awwwww shit.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs