[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.