Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*