Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
You Might Also Like
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
me after eating Cheetos
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *