Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
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Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
we all know this pain all too well
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
saw this in a dream
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!