Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
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Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Encore…
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me checking my bank balance online.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.