Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I’ve been drinking.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.