Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.