I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Ain’t no way
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.