Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
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Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra