why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
S O O N
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.