*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Encore…
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids