[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
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You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand