[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.