[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.