[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
You Might Also Like
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.