[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
dutch is not a serious language
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Meeeee too!
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline