[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
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Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Noah
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
A dad and his duck
Smells like a challenge to me
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
This came to me in a dream.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand