The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
You Might Also Like
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
scrabbled eggs
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”