[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.