[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off