[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
You Might Also Like
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day