(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
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Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Feels like the fourth month in January
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.